Today’s blog is written by Owen Llewellyn-Smyth (former intern at the Guardian Newspaper)

I’ve always wanted to be of service to my country. For me Jeremy Corbyn is the most dangerous man in Britain. There is a dark side to Corbyn. Because of this I set about the task of infiltrating the Shadow Cabinet office. Posing as a distant relative of Vladimir Lenin and a graduate in Marxist political theory from Kingston university, I was able to work as an intern in Corbyn’s office. Within a few months I succeeded in penetrating the inner circle of the ‘Corbynistas’. I was accepted and trusted as a loyal comrade. I even went with Corbyn to his allotment and helped him plant Broccoli. Once I had a conversation with John McDonnell about how a future Labour government would completely shut down Heathrow airport. During my internship I gained access to thousands of files and documents outlining plans for a Corbyn Britain. I was allowed to freely take photographs. I now have all of this information in my possession. It is my intention over the next few weeks to reveal what Corbyn really plans for Britain. This is a story of violence, bullying, intimidation and thuggery; some readers might find it upsetting but it is a story, for the sake of the nation, that has to be told.

A brick in the Shadow Cabinet Office

Seumas Milne is Corbyn’s closest aide. He regularly issues ideas and instructions to the Corbinistas. In a secret memo issued three months ago he outlined Corbyn’s plan for the eventual abolition of the Church of England: “comrades we all know that religion is the opium of the people; however, religion will be useful to us in the transitional stage following the election of a JC government. The Church of England will be rebranded to assist us in educating the masses …” Corbyn plans the biggest overhaul of the Church since the destruction of monasteries under Henry VIII. The book of common prayer will be overhauled to include quotes from Lenin such as “To accept anything on trust, to preclude critical application and development, is a grievous sin.” Evensong will become ‘Corbynsong’.

Corbyn plans to abolish the Church of England

Corbyn shares an allotment with the Bishop of London, Richard Chartres. During the occupation of St Paul’s cathedral by extremists he was cheered as he addressed the violent activists in a question-and-answer session, telling them that he thought their presence added to the discussion on “the future shape of the world” and he backed the camp’s subversive political message. Chartres doesn’t really believe in God but Corbyn plans to make him Archbishop of Canterbury.

An unidentified North Korean intern in the Shadow Cabinet Office

The shadow cabinet office is dominated by interns from North Korea. They have a blind allegiance to Corbyn. Criticism of the leader is never tolerated; once I witnessed a female Labour MP visiting the Shadow cabinet office, she simply asked “Where is Jeremy? I’ve not seen him for nine months.” The torrent of abuse that followed was dreadful.

A personal message from Trotsky to Corbyn. It reads: “Good luck Jeremy – Leon xx”

Corbyn plans to abolish the monarchy. In a memo issued on the Queens 90th birthday Seumas Milne wrote: “Comrades today is Elizabeth Windsor’s 90th Birthday. Today the capitalist press celebrates the life of this worthless parasite. Remember, in the very near future Jeremy will be the head of state and we will live in a glorious workers republic!” Within a week of gaining power Home Secretary Dennis Skinner will move an enabling motion in parliament authorising the abolition of the monarchy. The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh will be forced to live in a council house in Bolsover, Will’s and Kate will be employed on zero hours contracts at Sports Direct and Harry will be sent back to Afghanistan to teach ‘Haka’.

Corbyn Plans to replace Her Majesty the Queen once he is elected

The only Royals to survive the coup will be Fergie and Prince Andrew. John McDonell plans to make Fergie head of quantative easing at the Bank of England because of her experience in accruing loads of cash in a suitcase. Corbyn wants Andrew to be the Trade Ambassador to North Vietnam.

The free press will be closed down when Corbyn is elected

Corbyn plans to control the press. Freedom of expression will be banned under Corbyn. In a memo Seumas Milne wrote “The row over phone-hacking by journalists has led to the closure of the News of the World newspaper, the establishment of the Leveson Inquiry, an MPs’ inquiry and the launch of three police investigations. We must learn from these events and note that history is moving in our direction. Once JC is elected we will take control of the press and establish a ministry of truth.”

Corbyn plans to nationalise and control control all food production. All farms will be collectivised into ‘Peoples allotments’.

Tesco will be abolished under a Corbyn government

In a secret memo Seamus Milne wrote “In the 21st century our tastes buds, our brain chemistry, our biochemistry, our hormones and our kitchens have been hijacked by the capitalist food industry. Comrades we need to follow the example of our great leader who loves his allotment. The food industry profits from providing poor quality foods with poor nutritional value that people eat a lot of. For the first 50 years of our lives the food industry is trying to make us fat. Then, the second 50 years, the pharmaceutical industry is treating us for everything. Our leader is thin, only eats food from his allotment and he doesn’t take drugs.”

Under a Corbyn government the fast food industry will be abolished

I hope to reveal further facts about a future Britain under Corbyn. I am in hiding now. If you don’t hear from me in the next few weeks it will be because I have been murdered by the Corbynistas or Len McCluskey.

Phil Maxwell is away

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